How To Learn To Trust Again In 3 Surprisingly Simple Steps
I’ve been burned before. Big time. It’s happened several times over, actually, in a variety of ways and mostly from the same person.
When you’ve been betrayed — cheated on, lied to, manipulated, or all of the above — learning to trust again can feel like an almost insurmountable task.
You might feel it as a pulling in your chest or your gut. As a temptation to flee or to fight, or perhaps simply to freeze, lost in the moment as the person before you asks you to lean in, while the memories behind you keep you rooted in the past.
When stuck in this fight/flight/freeze response, you might be wondering why you should bother trying to trust again at all when it has the potential to hurt so much? You’re not sure you could bear the pain of it. Perhaps your past conditioning has convinced you that it’s better to go it alone; that you enjoy going it alone, in fact. That other people just hold you back.
To this, I would say that only the people looking to use your life, energy, and resources for their own gain will hold you back. Those who are intentionally compassionate, empathetic, and understanding will actually give you life, sharing their own resources in the form of time, space, and attention to help build you up, not tear you down. Those are the types of people you want to invest in.
On the other hand, the task of trusting again might feel like a desire to word-vomit, pouring yourself out to the person before you in the hopes that they will hold your wounds, stitch them up, and offer you salvation in all the ways your past relationship robbed you of.
If you’ve ever had a relationship with a narcissist (parental, romantic, platonic), you know just how convincingly trustworthy they can seem in the beginning, only to start twisting your words and actions over time so as to make you feel smaller and weaker for their own gain and strength. They are a really good example of why it’s important to take trust slowly (and to trust your intuition).
You also might come across people who are thoughtless; who can, completely unintentionally, hurt you by some careless, offhanded comment, or through a lack of support when support is desperately needed. These people may not have space in their lives to be there for you, or they simply may not be equipped to hold your story with safety the way you rightly deserve.
Word-vomiting (or Self-vomiting, as I like to call it) to these kinds of people can cut you far deeper than if you’d simply run from them because it’s so much riskier; it puts all your vulnerability right up in the front lines, bearing your full soul before ensuring the other is worthy of your story.
And not everyone is worthy of your story. Nor are they meant to be. Other people are meant to serve as reflections of the areas in our lives that center on opportunities for growth.
If someone is worthy of trust, then we’ve found an opportunity to practice vulnerability and find authentic connection. If they’re not, we can practice using our voice, setting a boundary, and if necessary, walking away. Both are equally valuable, and both can be equally difficult. The trick is to find out which person you’re dealing with, and then empower yourself to respond in the healthiest way for you. It definitely takes time and practice, but it is so, so worth it in the end.
Here are 3 simple steps when it comes to learning to trust again:
Step #1: Pay Attention.
When meeting someone new, pay attention to the things they laugh at, how they talk about others, and how they talk about themselves. If they make jokes at others’ expense, if they belittle vulnerability or honesty, or if they deflect when you try to ask deeper questions about who they are… take caution.
If, on the other hand, they remain genuinely curious and open, they ask questions about you, and then follow-up questions, and they show you continuous respect in the form of deep listening, then they might be a good person in whom to start investing a bit of trust.
Time for another baby step.
Step #2: Dip a Toe In.
If you start to feel safe enough (and if you’re still a little nervous, that’s okay; that’s why you’re taking baby steps !), you can dip in a metaphorical toe. Reveal a little bit about yourself at a time, and then see how they react. If they get dismissive, awkward, act uncomfortable, or behave even the least bit judgmental, this might indicate that they’re not ready for you, and you can back out without hardly risking anything at all.
On the other hand, if they respond with care, curiosity, understanding, and grace, if they make you feel seen and heard, then you have an opportunity: you can take a full step into the water. Again, this isn’t permission to run up to your waist at the first sign of attention or a soft heart. You’re still feeling them out, still testing them — not in a sleezy way, but in a way where you can judge for yourself whether they are capable and worthy of holding your heart.
Step #3: Repeat Step 2 As Long As You Continue to Feel Safe.
It’s also necessary to mention that not everyone’s perfect. Sometimes, people say or do the wrong thing — whether intentionally or not — and we need to be prepared for if that happens.
The moment your safety is compromised, you might feel the temptation to flee. All your fears will feel validated at that moment, because until you’ve healed, your brain, due to your trauma, is constantly looking for a reason to get you out of there; to say “I knew it!” and run. If this happens, I strongly urge you to watch that emotion come up, take a breath, give it space, and then consciously choose how you want to respond. Acting on those unconscious reactions means letting fear run your life. Instead, try asking yourself, “What would Love ask of me in this moment? How would Love want me to respond?” Listen to your intuition, and go from there.
Even after all of this — say you’ve found someone who shows you consistently that they can hold your story with understanding and grace, they show up for you, they fight for you and with you, and offer you unconditional love and support — even despite finding such an amazing person, you still might have trouble trusting them.
It took years for me to learn that my husband was as trustworthy in reality as his words and actions were showing me that he was. I kept looking for red flags, and when I would find none, I’d tell myself, “Well, you didn’t see the red flags in your previous relationship, and look where that got you. Who’s to say you’re not missing them now? How do you know the red flags aren’t there, lurking beneath the surface, waiting to pounce right when you start to fully let your guard down?”
These sorts of questions came from a lack of trust in myself — in my choices, my agency, even my own growth.
In these moments, it’s important to remind yourself that who you are today is not the same person that you were in the past. You know how to make different choices now. You got out. And you’re better for it. Even if new red flags come up? You’re aware enough to notice them, and strong enough to say, “No. I’m not taking this anymore.” And you can leave. You have that choice, always.
But if those flags don’t come up? You’ve chosen to stay, and given yourself the gift of authentic connection, shared experiences, and a new partnership unlike anything you’ve experienced before. Trust is where all the most beautiful things in life lies.
To some degree, trust does take a semblance of blind faith that the person before you is who they say they are (we can’t live in someone else’s mind, after all)… but emphasis on semblance. The rest of your faith is based on evidence: actions over time that show you that their character can be trusted.
Do they show up for you?
Do they give you space when you ask for it, and draw near when you need it?
Do they honor your story by holding it close to their heart, not spreading it around blithely to others without your permission, or using it against you in the midst of a heated argument?
Do they offer you words of encouragement and affirmation?
Do they build you up?
Do they show you what it’s like to dream again? To take up more space than you ever thought possible? To feel unconditionally appreciated, understood, and loved?
If so, it’s time to lean in. You’ve found a good one.
If not? You can move on having gained a stronger sense of self, trusting in your own growth, power, and wisdom that you’ve learned better. You’re doing better. And you’ve got this.
