The Secret Space Between Surviving and Thriving (And 4 Ways to Use It to Your Advantage)
Until a year or two ago, I’d been in survival mode for as long as I could remember. It was a space driven not of wants, but of needs.
You focus on the next right thing and nothing more, the next single step that will keep you alive. You go to work to pay the bills, come home and feed yourself with whatever’s readily available, attempt to have some “you” time with something that doesn’t require too much energy, take care of your family, your pets, your plants, go to sleep, wake up, do it all over again.
When you’re surviving, you’re often fully aware of where you could be. You know what could be possible — time spent on passions and hobbies, money spent on non-necessities, a supportive and mutually respectful relationship, rest, perhaps — but the way your life is now, you can’t see a way to get there. You’ve had to depend on yourself for so long just to make ends meet, just to exist, and you haven’t really been given a choice to do anything else. So you do your best with what you have.
You find gratitude, you focus on the positive, you stay in the present so as not to think about all the things just out of your reach.
When in this sort of state (as so many of us are), society tells you that if you hustle, if you just work hard enough, hang in there long enough, keep pushing, keep drilling, keep going, you’ll get there. As if you just survive long enough, you’ll eventually just start thriving. Out of nowhere.
But the thing is, I’ve found that there’s a massive gap between surviving and thriving. And no one talks about it.
Revival is that gap.
Before we can ever start thriving, we have to enter into a space that draws our attention from survival to healing, from enduring to recovery. Without this step, for me, the idea of thriving was kind of a let-down because no matter the side hustles I tried, how much I journaled, or the amount of “me” time I took, I never felt like I was truly making progress. At least not progress that lasted very long.
That was because I was always trying to already be in that future place of thriving without honoring the path I was currently on. Looking back now, where I was in my journey was exactly where I needed to be. I was learning exactly what I needed to learn, and yet I felt dissatisfied and dejected because I couldn’t understand why I was still struggling. When would I start to feel better? Why I hadn’t I made it already? Would I ever even get there?
We all get stuck in our own heads sometimes — obviously, myself included — trusting in the unreliable narrators of our self-doubt, rather than in the truth of all the things we’ve accomplished, the mountains we’ve summitted, the beautiful ways in which we’ve chosen not to give up.
It wasn’t until another coach pointed out to me that I was in a place of expansion, no matter how scared or heavy or stuck I felt, that I started to see, appreciate, and accept that where I was now was just as valuable as where I wanted to be. Perhaps even more so, seeing as the journey is what actually gets us to the goal. When I finally began to celebrate my process of recovery as being the most integral, vital, and life-giving part of my journey, I was finally able to give myself permission to just be.
And that’s when I started to see what it could feel like to thrive. I certainly wasn’t there yet, but I was on the path. And that path was revival.
So where does revival come from? What does it look like? How is it used?
Revival looks like healing. It feels like your first deep breath after being under water for too long, a place of new understandings: about yourself, about your past, and about the world around you. Revival looks like you finding your place for perhaps the first time ever, seeing yourself, hearing yourself, and bringing different versions of yourself together into a single loveable whole. It is not without pain, heartache, or grief, but it is the place where each pain, heartache, and grief has a voice. A story to tell. And you’re ready to listen.
Revival looks like self-compassion. It looks like giving yourself grace in your hardest times, and celebrating all the days that start to come easier and easier. All those years of perseverance, they are exactly what got you here. You may not be entirely free of the weight on your shoulders — in fact, some days you may feel heavier than ever — but those days come fewer and farther in between. And when they do come? You treat yourself with gentility, comfort, safety, and understanding. You don’t bash yourself for your short-comings, but love on yourself for the place you’re at.
Revival looks like possibility. It looks like expansion — in many different areas of your life. Space to let your wings unfold, your arms outstretch, and your imagination wake up from its long sleep to dream up bigger and better worlds. It is the space between “I wish” and “I have received.” It is the opening of a new chapter, a glimpse into what could be. Revival is not always easy, and it’s not always perfect, but it is your Becoming: that which will see you into your brightest future by leading you out of your darkest days.
Revival looks like hope. All that hard work you’ve poured into yourself? Revival is where it starts to pay off. It’s the benefit of all those hours excavating your past through therapy and coaching and friendship; the result of intentions not only set, but fulfilled; the budding fruit of seeds you planted long ago. Revival is filled with moments in which you get to rest and to be, where resilience doesn’t only mean continuing to push through, but choosing to pull back, reflect, and respond — and when you respond, you do so consciously, rather than relying on unconscious habits to get you through the next day, the next hour, the next minute.
In revival, you may feel the beginning of a brand new life, as well as perhaps the ending of several others. Remember that it is all a part of the process, and that every little bit of your experience deserves to be heard, honored, and cherished for what it offered you at that time.
Four ways I’ve used revival to my advantage:
Revival for Clarity. If revival has given me anything, it’s a stronger sense of self. Not only can I look back on my past with a more objective lens, but I can make a path for my future that aligns with my values and goals. What kind of person do I want to be? How do I want to feel? What do I want the world around me to look like? Once I understood who I was and where I came from, I was able to clarify who I wanted to be and where I wanted to go. I could ask myself the above questions, and their answers helped guide me down a path where I now feel more enriched and fulfilled than ever.
Revival for Understanding. When you give yourself grace, what you’re really doing is saying, I see you. I accept you. You are unconditionally loved. When you understand where you come from, you’re able to see toxic choices you might have made were the results not of some deficiency in who you are, but as the result of unhealed wounds. When you understand how much you’ve overcome, you’re able to appreciate all those moments when you were kind when you could’ve been cruel, patient when you could’ve been critical, and when you chose to persist when you could’ve given up. Showing yourself understanding strengthens your spirit, revitalizes your Self, and demolishes shame — leaving you feeling lighter and freer to pursue what actually matters to you.
Revival for Strength. The thing about strength is that it’s so much more than just shouldering as much as you possibly can. Especially if you’re a recovering perfectionist, people-pleaser, or family peace-keeper (like I am). Oftentimes, saying “no,” choosing yourself, or setting a boundary takes even more strength than taking on one more thing, but it’s the kind of strength that will sustain your energy, rather than drain it. And the greatest strength I’ve seen is the power to be vulnerable. When you make the choice to open up, rather than put up a wall, what you’re doing is giving yourself permission to be brave. To trust again — in yourself, in others, and in the possibility to live the sort of emboldened life that’s full if richness, vitality, and joy.
Revival for Balance. For me, balance has come from listening actively with my whole body. What are my emotions trying to tell me? What part of my Self needs attention right now? What am I missing, and what one thing can I give myself in this moment to help me feel more steady, more secure, more at ease? Balance means my first response isn’t a knee-jerk reaction, but rather one based on observation, forethought, and wisdom. It means I make my decisions based on love, and not of fear. It means I consult myself first and foremost as to what I know to be true, rather than following the current of those around me without a strong foundation.
It’s important to recognize (and I do) that everyone’s journey is different, and so it’s likely that we will all spend different amounts of time in a state of revival before we reach the state of thriving. And that’s okay!
If I’ve learned anything, it’s that revival is about being here, now. It’s about appreciating every single step we take on this journey, and knowing that we are able to offer ourselves safety and security in every moment we choose to give ourselves grace, rather than judgment or condemnation.
Wherever you are in your recovery, whether surviving, reviving, or thriving, I commend you for simply being here. It’s not an easy world we live in, and here you are. Doing it. I will forever and always be inspired by you. ❤
