The One Unsexy Trait Absolutely Essential For a Healthy Relationship.

One of my guilty pleasures is reality TV. The Bachelor(ette), Real Housewives, Love is Blind… I’m there for absolutely all of it. For me, reality TV is like a sociology experiment to which I get a front and center seat. I get to relate but remain removed, tuning out of my life and into their emotions, analyzing their behaviors without actually investing anything personally.

Having gone through a heavily toxic relationship myself and dedicating years to recovery, self-acceptance, healing, and growth, it becomes easy for me to recognize when others are on a different part of their journey. I’m now in one of the healthiest relationships I’ve just about ever witnessed, and I want to share something based on what I’ve learned. (With a little help from reality TV.)

So what’s the one unsexy trait that’s absolutely essential for a healthy relationship?

Trust. And it doesn’t look like what you’d think.

I used to think that trust was about not going through your partner’s texts behind their back, or letting them go to a club without you and having confidence they won’t cheat. Maybe it was about not freaking out if they have close friends of the opposite sex (if you date heterosexuals), or just… believing what they tell you without wondering if there’s some hidden meaning behind it.

But it’s so much more than that.

This last week on Bachelor in Paradise, I watched two different women in seemingly solid relationships get asked out on dates by other men. Both women accepted, but before going on the date, they talked to their original men about how the men felt about it. In both cases, the men said they wanted what was best for the women. They told them that if the women wanted to go on the date, they should go; get the full experience, and don’t feel bad about hurting anyone’s feelings because that’s what this whole experiment was for. They’re supposed to do what’s best for them, even if it might mean disappointing someone else.

And of course, both women were pissed.

They had wanted their men to fight for them, had in fact expected their men to tell them not to go. They wound up feeling really disappointed because they didn’t necessarily want to go on the dates, but after feeling that their men weren’t committed enough to tell them not to go, off they went, and then later complained about it to their original men for not knowing they’d be upset.

The thing is, people, believe me… you want whoever you’re in a romantic partnership with to give you full autonomy. You want them to trust you enough to make your own decisions, and then to honor those decisions above all else–even their own desires–if it means you’ll be happy, safe, and secure.

If those men had actively prevented their partners from going on those dates, it would have meant they cared so much for their own success that they were willing to potentially sacrifice another’s agency in order to be happy. And that would have been neither right nor fair.

We have to, as partners, be willing to protect our loved ones’ freedom above all else, even if it comes at the cost of fulfilling our own desires.

If it’s the right relationship, and if it’s what your partner wants, they will choose you regardless. Similarly, we should never sacrifice our own freedom for the sole purpose of pleasing our partner. It’s one thing to make compromises for the empowerment of the relationship and one another, and an entirely other thing to compromise who we are and our own autonomy for the sake of keeping the peace.

Unfortunately, this kind of trust doesn’t feel sexy. Our society has taught us that tension in a relationship–give and take, push and pull, “the chase”–is what chemistry is all about.

Too many of us have been in the sort of toxic relationships where control is masked as confidence, manipulation as adoration, and we’ve gotten used to it. It’s always easier for our brains and bodies to choose what’s familiar, even if it’s unhealthy, than it is to choose what’s new and unknown, even if it could mean safety. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be wanted, but there’s a difference between someone wanting you and being willing to sacrifice their own ego in order to make you happy, and someone wanting you and using their ego as an excuse to keep you under their control.

If someone’s intentions are pure, they will give you full agency to do what you think is best for you, even if that means going against what they want for themselves. Ultimately, it comes down to building the kind of relationship with yourself that you can express honestly what you want and how you feel without worrying you’ll be judged for it, because even if you are judged, you have so much trust in yourself that you know you’ll be okay.

Don’t get me wrong, each one of you should communicate with one another at all times. If something makes either one of you uncomfortable, trust doesn’t mean sitting on that discomfort and just hoping the other person will do the right thing. (Nor does it mean expecting the other person to read your mind as to how you’re feeling.) Trust means laying your discomfort at your partner’s feet, sharing your feelings, and then working together to find the right decision going forward that will help each of you feel the most free, supported, and loved.

No matter what, you and your partner should encourage one another to trust yourselves, to freely choose what you want based on your intuition and experience, and to support one another through any challenge that might come your way.

What was especially disappointing for me to watch on BIP was that the men were actually doing the right thing in giving their romantic partners agency, but they wound up regretting their actions because of how the women later made them feel about it. And that’s a pretty big red flag. If you can’t communicate what you need, and then blame your partner when they didn’t give you what they didn’t even know you wanted in the first place, you’re not ready for the kind of commitments you think you are.

Trust is about being open and vulnerable enough to share your true, full self with them, knowing that the space they give will be offered with safety. It’s about giving them that same safety in return, and truly, genuinely wanting what’s best for them on their terms, and not just what you think would be best for their lives. It’s about showing up for your partner, listening with an open heart, and offering support in whatever way they need.

Trust is also about establishing boundaries, and respecting those boundaries even when it might be easier not to. The more you can show you can hold difficult moments with patience; that you can provide safety and reassurance during times of distress; and that you can give your partner more freedom over time, not less… the more trust you’ll build, and the stronger your relationship will be for it.

We all want to be wanted. But we also all deserve the freedom of choice. Give your partner the kind of space that allows them to be the most themselves, and allow them to do the same for you. I promise it will either lead to the best relationship you’ve ever had, or will show you what was never meant to be in the first place.

So much love for you, my friends.